What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 07:20
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im still living with it.
And i lived it daily.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Who then, do I blame.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Is there a band whose members have been present for every one of their concerts?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He resisted the act ,that day.
Is it true that LGB should drop T?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So whats the point in blame.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What is one thing which you cannot stop however hard you try?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She loved him until the end.
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She wouldn,t have been !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is soul school!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I have no regrets .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My life is so biszare .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I think the readers, may guess!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I don,t even have a pension.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I said to her
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
What did i know ?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Especially a lifetime of it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was very sick at this time too.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I will be 64.
I was 9 years of age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I write beautiful poetry .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Ive learnt so much.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
When she asked me how she looked .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So, i spoilt her more .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But ive been too sick for many years..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My family never makes their pension either.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She found it foreign!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Comes on , in middle age.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He knew the spot.
It was going to be , some day.
All the time i was locked up.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was in good health!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One cannot live in the past .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was seconnd youngest,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But, we were locked up after school.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We were not on the streets..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it wasn’t much.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I couldn’t, believe it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Put me off passion for life!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was scared of men, in general
Would this be the day?
She married twice! .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..